“Baby, I’m in jail. I’ve got one minute to talk to you,” he said. “You’re flirting with the prison guards,” he accused me later. Mind you, he was the one who had cheated on me probably a handful of times before (or more – who was counting? Not me). That was my toxic relationship number 1.
Toxic relationship #2: “This is his girlfriend and who are you,” she asked – on Valentine’s Day, when I had called who I thought was my boyfriend. “And did you know that he shot his baby momma in her butt when she was pregnant with their child?” If the first sentence from her didn’t kill the relationship for me, the last one definitely did.
Toxic relationship #3: “I don’t love you anymore,” he said, but contacted me around 8 months later telling me he lied and that he loves me, but forgot to mention he had a girlfriend now.
I could go on, but you get the point.
If this sounds familiar to you, or better or worse than your situations, keep reading, girlfriend. There’s hope for you – I promise!
Fast forward to today, where I am now in the most uncomplicated, drama-free, healthy relationship of my life, in which I have all the freedom I want and in which I can be 100% me with a man who is emotionally intelligent, ambitious, loving, caring, accepting, communicative, loyal, and has a good heart. Not everything was or is always perfect, of course. But I know that for me, he is it. The One. We’ve been together for almost three years now.
After a long history of toxic relationships and choosing emotionally and physically unavailable men, I realized that I, too, was acting toxic: I was enabling, trying to fix, having low standards, not loving myself, not communicating, and so much more.
I don’t judge myself for this anymore, because there’s no point in me doing so. Judging myself for who I was in the past doesn’t get me or anyone else anywhere and it never will.
What got me somewhere was doing the work on myself. Finding out why I chose to be with partners like the above. Of course, you may have guessed it, shit went back to my childhood.
My parents’ relationship was full of drama, arguments, missing communication and love. I didn’t know a healthy relationship. All I knew was my comfort zone – drama, arguments, no good communication and very toxic “love” – and that’s what I sought out in my relationships.
After yearning to finally meet my dream partner and getting closer and closer with every relationship or situationship I experienced, we finally found each other.
As soon as I got into this relationship, I found myself questioning it. Who would have thought – but questioning a healthy relationship in the following way can actually be the first sign you’re in a healthy relationship now.
“Is this too good to be true?”
“How can this be so easy?”
“Does he really like me?”
“What will happen if he gets to know all of me? Will he stay?”
“With the disagreements we have, wouldn’t it be easier to be single again?”
Turns out I’m not the only one asking myself these questions, of course.
My friend, who has recently met her soulmate, is asking herself the same questions; hence, why I’m writing this article.
Now let’s get to the answers:
“Is this too good to be true?” Girl, it was always meant to get better and better and better because with everything you’ve been working on, analyzing, learning, and doing, YES, of course, it is supposed to be better. Humans evolve, we don’t backtrack. Every shitty relationship included a lesson. Every argument includes a lesson.
I get it, though: you’re not used to THIS GOOD, THIS EASY, THIS SMOOTH. Coming from one toxic relationship after another, good, easy, smooth, almost feels boring.
Where is the drama, the arguments, the fights? Where did the sleepless nights go? The pain, the hurt, the tears? The wanting to secretly check his phone? The intuitive nudge that something is up and he may be lying to you or cheating on you?
Now why is he not hiding his phone when you’re next to him? Why is he telling you wherever he goes? Why is he communicating with you all the time? Why is he calling you just because?
Congratulations – THIS GOOD, THIS EASY, THIS SMOOTH is out of your comfort zone. And that’s where you want to be!!!
You want to feel uncomfortable because things are THIS GOOD, THIS EASY, THIS SMOOTH. You want to almost be “bored,” not feeling any excitement.
Feeling uncomfortable now, not knowing what to do with THIS GOOD, THIS EASY, THIS SMOOTH, not knowing what to do with him communicating, with him loving everything about you and letting you know, with him wanting to see you, with him being open with you about his plans and perhaps even with him giving you the code of his phone.
By the way – side note: I personally believe that if your partner does not want to give you the code of their phone, something is up. Both my partner and I take each other’s phones whenever we need and we know the code. This is normal for us. I have no feelings about him picking up my phone, nor does he.
“How can this be so easy?” If you’re asking yourself this, I wanna ask you: Girl, would you rather this be hard? Would you rather want to struggle? How come you’d rather want to struggle?
If you rather struggle – there’s plenty of fuck boys out there. And they’ll always be waiting for you! You can always go back there.
Now you get to decide which struggle to choose: the struggle of toxic relationships or the uncomfortable feelings at first that come with a healthy relationship.
If your relationship feels easy, how about you give yourself a pat on the back and say to yourself: wow, I’ve come so far.
Maybe it’s easy because you’ve learned how to communicate. Maybe it’s easy because hard is a lower standard. Maybe it’s easy because you’ve met someone who has also learned to communicate. Maybe it’s easy because you’ve met someone who’s standard is also “easy” and not hard. That’s great!
“Does he really like me?” is another question you may ask yourself because in the past, people didn’t like you enough to communicate with you daily and healthily. Maybe they’ve even told you that you’re too loud, too fat, too whatever.
But if his words and actions match up, he does really like you in a healthy, non-obsessive way. If he wants to spend time with you, he really does like you. If he shares his love language with you, he really does like you. If he calls you all the time because he just wants to hear your voice and how you’re doing, he really does like you. If he’s into you, he will let you know. And you will not have any doubt deep within.
But… Your sneaky brain may want to sabotage and question if he likes you, but again, it’s only because of your brain not being used to easy, smooth, healthy. Your brain is used to your past and comfortable with it.
You have to get beyond that. You now have to find a way to bypass the part of you that wants to sabotage and get honest with yourself: what do you know to be true deep within? Is it that he really likes you? Good. Can you feel that he likes you? If you’ve experienced doubts, but his actions and words match, it’s most likely YOU self-sabotaging, not him not liking you.
Now if HE’S the one giving you doubts because his actions and words don’t match up and you find yourself making excuses for him, or because various friends and family are warning you, it’s him.
Another question you may ask yourself: “What will happen if he gets to know all of me? Will he stay?” For the dude who’s meant to be with you, you will never be too much or not enough. He will love you the way you are with all of your quirks, weird hobbies, straight outta bed in your pajamas, no makeup and with morning breath.
The second day after I had met my dream partner, I held a workshop in which I was leading a guided meditation to connect with angels, together with my angel luminary / psychic friend. And even though he’s not very familiar or super into what I am, he was still there with me, guiding me through nervousness and almost a mental breakdown because the power had gone off and I had no data. He figured things out for me. And he still loves me. I showed him the side of me that some people think is crazy and too woo woo.
And with the following question – girl, I feel you: “With the disagreements we have, wouldn’t it be easier to be single again?” Disagreements with a person you love are never easy, and sometimes you may even question if he still loves you when you have a completely different opinion on a major topic, or if he will run away.
And while, yes, a life without disagreements may be easier, but then you would also have a life without your partner.
So – with that being said, asking yourself these questions is completely normal after having been in so many toxic relationships. They are signs that you’re getting out of your comfort zone that was toxic relationships.
A sign of a healthy relationship is having disagreements rather than fighting.
You never insult the other and vice versa. You’re never disrespectful to each other, calling each other names, or, if you’ve been through that, even getting into physical altercations.
You’re sharing your point, your opinion and you give the other person the floor to do the same. You listen. You hear them out.
You’re not trying to persuade the other person.
You can agree to disagree.
You’re not threatening to leave the relationship or to break up with him or telling him you need a break (even though sometimes you’re so fucking close to it, and maybe once you will slip on this one).
You can be over what you’re disagreeing on because you accept their different point of view. And still love them regardless.
Sometimes you may find yourself asking yourself: “But we aren’t fighting. We’re just having disagreements. Is that normal?” Yes, with two emotionally intelligent people, this is normal.
And if you have healthy friendships, you know this is normal, because – how often do you fight with your friends? Usually, you just get along. You discuss. You treat each other with love. And you’re not trying to pick fights with each other because you’re friends.
Another sign that you may have met The One is that you’re not trying to change or fix them and they aren’t either. You love each other for who you are.
Do you sometimes wish they were more into what you like? More religious? More spiritual? More active? More ambitious? Yes, absolutely. You may find yourself thinking this.
But ultimately, you accept them for who they are. You love them for who they are. And they do the same.
There’s no “I need to fix this person’s life / health / problems” or “he needs to change his mannerisms / behavior / etc.” NO! There’s love and acceptance.
If he doesn’t pick up his socks – you still love him. And you will find a way to communicate peacefully.
These are signs of a healthy relationship.
Congrats, girl, you have grown.
You don’t need the yelling anymore. The fighting. The drama. You can peacefully and lovingly resolve arguments or disagreements.
Another sign of a healthy relationship is you’re giving each other space to be your own person.
You go dancing. He goes to the gym.
You work on your content. He works on his studies.
You go on a trip. He stays home.
He goes on a trip. You stay home.
Giving that space doesn’t feel like you’re going to break up. It feels like, hey, I can take care of myself, make myself happy. I don’t have to be with that person all the time to be happy.
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and no one is depending on each other for it. It’s a beautiful dance. It’s empowering because you will learn that the only person who can keep you happy is you.
The last sign I will mention is that your loved ones will tell you “there’s something different about him” or “you act differently when you’re talking about this man” or “OMG we love him.” That’s when you really know that the person is right for you. When the people you love and appreciate dig the person you’re with, that’s a damn good and obvious sign that you’ve finally found your match.
In 2020 (about 7 months before I met my dream partner), I created courses on stopping and healing toxic relationships in every area of your life, so you can attract your soul tribe and your dream partner.
In the first one, DETOX LOVE, we go over what toxic relationships are and why they are showing up in your life, when and how to ask for help and receive it, boundaries and how to enforce them, taking a look into your best future, and self love.
In the second one, you will examine why you keep getting into toxic relationships, why, how, and when a relationship is toxic, empowering yourself not to get into any toxic relationship anymore and how you attract your soul tribe.
I also created an extensive course, Manifest Your Dream Partner, with all the exercises I went through before my dream partner showed up: examining my past relationships, the 3 exact manifestation lists I used, a powerful hypnosis to release your biggest block from finding love, a bonus video on how to become the person to attract your person, and more.
You can purchase all of them separately or join my membership with over a dozen more courses and hypnosis recordings for just $47. Just click here.
I’m also here for 1:1 work on this. This entails four months minimum commitment, so we get you to embody who you want to be, so you can attract your dream partner. Message me if you’re interested.
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